The Difference Between Missing Something and Regretting Something

In high school physics I learned about how essentially there is no new energy in the universe but that it's being recycled, changing form. It fits with the idea of karma coming around to bite you in the a$$, but also the idea of there being no wasted efforts in life. The veering off course, the chases down rabbit holes, the random weird things we try out, and the decision to exit stage left ~ it all comes together to make cosmic sense.

Back in college, English Lit was my thing. It wasn't just any run-of-the-mill lit, but I learned to read Middle English and did an entire thesis taking a deep dive into the concept of alchemy in two of Chaucer's Canterbury Tales. Oh, the fond memories of late night runs to Wawa's to buy and devour entire bags of Smartfood popcorn while pulling all-nighters poring through deep scholarship on medieval literature. After all that, I decided to go to medical school as a practical measure, fearing that being a lit prof would be a fast track to burnout (side note, this should have been the first hint that I was not cut out for academia). From there I was smitten with general surgery, loving the fast pace and doing beautiful technical things. But somewhere along the way as a resident I began to notice some divergence between myself and surgery as a specialty. During my research years, it was a struggle to understand the strong instinct for changing specialties compared to the real fun that it was. I was in a funk.

Then one day, sitting in a tiny closet retrofitted to be a research lab, it hit me, accidentally and out of the blue. If I left surgery, would I miss it? The answer was absolutely yes. I loved the satisfaction of a perfectly executed procedure and a great patient outcome. I loved the camaraderie with co-residents working 100+ hours a week. But, what was lacking was curiosity. Things didn't bother me much. And it seemed like things should bother me to inspire questioning, exploring and discovering, things essential for a fulfilling career. The second question that occurred to me was, if I left surgery, would I regret it? And the answer there was, resoundingly, no. That's ultimately how I landed in anesthesiology and simulation-based education, both perfect fits.

So, more recently that same pair of super useful questions popped back up. By retiring, will I miss what I'm leaving behind? Definitely yes for some of it. But will I regret leaving the work? Most decidedly no. I realized I can indulge nostalgia for as long as it's enjoyable, but knowing there'd be no regrets made it sparklingly clear what my decision would be. This is the way.